Update

Well, it's been a good long while since I've updated this. I ended up cutting a couple weeks ago, so that ticker up there, null & void. I moved. I'm in a normal healthy weight range and only freak out about it from time to time, although it seems those times are getting closer and closer in between. I have an incredibly supportive boyfriend and I live with my sister. I enjoy my classes, even if I'm not all there for them. I enjoy work even though I freeze my butt off every time I spend time in there. I have a kitten :) Her name is Jade and she is living with my parents and Bella is pissed because she hates her. Jade and Daisy are the lights of my life, except for Adrian of course :) Anyways that is all for now.

I'm still in a healthy

I'm still in a healthy weight range. But just barely. Half a round above the minimum weight.

My best friend's dad died

My best friend's dad died this weekend. He was my other daddy. I'm spiraling down into darkness. I don't know what to do

Dear L & K, I

Dear L & K, I cut today. I'm currently not sorry about it to myself I will be, but I am to you. Just thought you should kno

Well... the verdict is in

I can't do it. I can't make myself puke. I cannot physically make my body do it. At least not with fingers. I know that's a good thing. At least I can't say I didn't try. I can only say I couldn't succeed. So for anyone of you who care enough to follow this blog, you don't have to worry about me becoming bulimic.

welll...

I tried making myself puke tonight. I couldn't bring myself to do it though. At least I know that I can make myself gag. I will do it though. I know I will. I decided that I would learn this break, and I will do it.

I feel like I just...

I feel like I just... cried myself to sleep last night. Because every fiber of my being wants to be bulimic. But I don't

I feel like I just...

I feel like I just... cried myself to sleep last night.

You know you're a fucked

You know you're a fucked up person when you want to learn how to purge in order to become bulimic.

So... My car is in

So... My car is in repair so I'm not driving and so I decided that I'm going to fast for as long as I can get away with it.

Saving Grace

I've started dieting again. It's not really dieting though. It's restricting. I've pretty much failed two of the days, but it'll get better (or worse) depending on how you view it. For me, better. I know I shouldn't be doing it, I need to be strong in order to lead a company, but... I have to feel good with me. And this is how I'm going to do it. I have to have something to rely on, and controlling my weight, or attempting to, is all I can get away with anymore. I can't cut. It would have to be something absolutely dreadful in order for me to do that again. I just hope that nobody catches on. The only person I've allowed to know is my boy. And he's not happy about it, but he said he won't say anything. I think I told him that he's more than welcome to say something if it gets really bad. And if I start scaring myself I'll tell him again, it will be like... my saving grace. My saying something to remind him, it will be like a plea for help. Because I wouldn't be able to say it myself. I know that.

Well at least I haven't

Well at least I haven't gotten to the lying stage yet this year. I've been honest thus far about whether or not I've eaten.

*Happy Imbolc* :)

*Happy Imbolc* :)

Day One of Restriction Diet:

Day One of Restriction Diet: Failure. Way over 1000. I'm sure Boy would be okay hearing that. And for day one... I can be.

I'm going to start dieting

I'm going to start dieting on the 1st. My goal is to eat only between 800 & 1000 calories at most a day. More on occassion.

I think my stomach shrunk

I think my stomach shrunk a bit :) I couldn't eat as much dinner as I have been lately. Some would say it's bad.It's good

One orange and a sleeve

One orange and a sleeve of saltines. Good lunch? I'd say so.

Eating Habits

My boyfriend- gosh that's nice to say- teases me for my weird eating habits, which are from my ED. And I thought it would bother me, but I think, that ultimately,perhaps it will help me. I'm hoping that it will help me get past feeling uncomfortable eating in front of people.

I've started counting again. It

I've started counting again. It makes me feel safer. To count. To know.

Oh gleaming metal shining bright, please just leave me alone tonight.

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