Goal: 105

800 calories a day, with one odd day, two for an emergency of an additional 200 calories. Exercise at least 3 times a week. My goal is 105. Once there, we'll see.

I told him. I told him everything. And he still accepts me :)

Today...

I'm an anorexic bisexual bitch & I hate it. I can't stop it. Maybe it's not ana the way some would say, it's ednos, but it's still me. I don't know how "he" could ever still like me when he finds out. I don't even like me. I want to open a vein, just because I miss it. It's been so long since my skin was opened wide. I wouldn't do it. But it sounds nice.

28-4

500 Cals a weekday. 800 cals a weekend. 1000 max for emergency-one only. Anything else must be burned. Exercise 5 days in the week at least. I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm going to anyways.

love desert me? What the

love desert me? What the fuck did I do?

I just want you to

I just want you to care. I just want you to fucking care. Why can't you care? You said you'd be there. Why does everyone I

Happy Mabon everybody :-) blessed

Happy Mabon everybody :-) blessed be

It Strikes Agian...

It's baaaccccckk. The depression that is. I swear it's back. I haven't felt anything since Friday and before that it was either nothing, or something real depressing. Unfortunately I can't think of what could have triggered it. I'm just scared, I thought I was ready to try stage managing... I'm going to try anyways. Hopefully it doesn't turn out to be a huge mistake. Tech in general is stressful. I can't imagine how stressful SMing would be.

EEP!!!

Ohmigod. Best thing ever. I FINALLY found A Ring of Endless Light, the movie!! I haven't seen it since, shortly after it came out on Disney channel!!!!!! That is how I fell in love with the book. :) I've almost got it all ready to watch too :) :) :) Totally made my day

Songs

Songs that make me smile:
1.) The Bitch of Living
2.) Totally Fucked
Both from Spring Awakening
I love musicals

Songs

Songs that make me smile:
1.) The Bitch of Living
2.) Totally Fucked
Both from Spring Awakening
I love musicals

Journaling

I've restarted my online diary and I've started another journal. I haven't had one in a while, not since my mom found mine talking about my S.I. I need it though, I need it to recover from S.I. and I want to recover from it. & I finally have the drive, inspiration, and courage to do it. A lot of that I've found through Make it or Break it's Payson Keeler and Kaylie Cruz. I'm a huge fan. But more of that I'm sure will come. Maybe a blog or two filled

Let's see...

So I just updated my online diary and now feel that it's about time I updated my blog. So, let's take a peek into my life the past few weeks.
Well, I've decided that I finally have the passion and courage to give up cutting and burning. Hopefully for real this time. I want it to be real. I started losing a little bit of weight again, I'm still in a healthy range though, so don't panic. I really decided that, I want to live. I don't want to die. & it's going to be a really long and hard road, but I'm prepared to take the steps to living.

For the first time...

For the first time in a long time, I sort of feel like a normal teenage girl :)

One a day

So for the past week it seems that I've been losing a pound a day. I lose one, maintain for another day and lose another. It seems to be going well. I hope I can keep it up or get even better... aka worse. I feel so good to be losing weight and my dad keeps encouraging me to go out & ride my bike, now that it's fixed again. He's a godsend, always fixing my bike. I will go for a ride tomorrow some time. I will lose more weight. I must. Every time I think of food I think, "food, sick & disgusting. Terrible. Bad." My friends and family would kill me if they knew, but I just want to be happy, thin, control something that seems controllable. I have to. I can't cut anymore either, for once in my life, I DON'T WANT TO. For me that's a landslide, it's a miracle. I don't want to cut anymore. I don't want to hurt my friends and family that way. I don't want to hurt the person I love that way anymore.

Thinspo

Stood there staring at a sign that said inspiration. Could've sworn it said thinspiration

Story time

Working on my story for the first time in a while. Nice and relaxing despite such a depressing & terrifying subject.

Recovery attempt

Wow it's been a while. I tried going into recovery and it worked fairly well for the month of May and some of April, one of my friends caught on & I promised I would try to get better. I have and I want to lose weight again. I'm scared, but I think I can do it and still be safer about it. I hope so at least. My goal weights are still the same and with it being summer, it will be harder to not eat until dinner, but it'll be easier to get out and exercise.

Even my dog knows

Even my dog knows something is wrong when I start exercising

-sigh-

I don't know what to think and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Not only do I have a crush on one of my very best friends, I started "fantasizing" about one of our mutual friends. I don't know if fantasizing is the right word, but it's all I've got. You know when you're little and you think about your crush and start imagining what it would be like to be with them and to kiss them. That's what I thought about for hours last night. About my best friend. How I just wanted to be with her. How I feel safe and secure with her. It scares me. I talked with another mutual friend about it, and she said she has this effect about her and I'm not the first. But what I couldn't bring myself to talk to her about was how I wanted to kiss her. That is what scares me. I want to kiss my best friend. What do you do about that?

Who I am

I'm an emo possibly bi bitch with an eating disorder

I wish

I wish I didn't have to fight it...

Finally lost half a pound.

Finally lost half a pound. Hopefully It'll continue to keep falling off. Maybe sorta bingeing was a good idea

"you'll love to love &

"you'll love to love & then you'll hate it..."

Day 9

My net calories haven't been over 1000 since day 1 :) going into day 9 now

I lost 1 1/2 pounds

I lost 1 1/2 pounds :) even though i ate lots of cookies & cookie dough...

Rules: 1: 800-1000 calories total

Rules:
1: 800-1000 calories total
2: At least 1 exercise per day
3: Drinks don't count as cals
4: Check in every day

Ok. I'm going to start

Ok. I'm going to start over again. i'll weigh in as much as possible. hopefully twice a day. & eat between 800 & 1000 cals.

So i've decided i really

So i've decided i really want recover from self harm. But i still want to lose weight.

i've gained weight. i'm pissed.

i've gained weight. i'm pissed. not much but still. i need to get out there & start working out. big time.

"Hearts always get broken."

"Hearts always get broken."

Oh shit. Oh shit oh

Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Remind me to never fall in love again. Because my old saying still rings true.

Day 9: Idk how many

Day 9: Idk how many calories. Too lazy to look it up. I've lost weight again. & am about to do some work outs

Back down to the weight

Back down to the weight i started with. Don't know how many calories i had. The fast till dinner died.

I'm gonna try to fast

I'm gonna try to fast all day. Idk if It'll work. But That's the goal.

Day 6

-1 calories :) two hours of walking around school, I have 3 hours off. eating wise it was 893 calories with some indulgences. I'm impressed

Day 5

990 calories. Little exercise. gained weight ^^

So my goal for today

So my goal for today was 1200 calories and i took in lower :) 1156 or something like that. My goal tomorrow is 1100. no ex.

Day 3: 221 calories in

Day 3: 221 calories in total. Lots of workout. Not too bad of a day. Except for losing my dog who is home safe now.

So i've decided to screw

So i've decided to screw the ABC diet. But i'm going to do something similar that i've done in the past. Still for 50 days.

I am losing all sense

I am losing all sense of control right now. Idk what to do.

consumed 859 calories today. But

consumed 859 calories today. But worked off 572. :) so calories in total 287. i lost half a pound! It was a bad intake day

So far i've eaten 359

So far i've eaten 359 calories over the limit for the day ^^ but after an hours walk and some ab work outs it's gone down.

Day 1: 481 calories consumed.

Day 1: 481 calories consumed. Good. No exercise/weight change.

To begin

I decided to start a blog the day my real walk with Ednos started. For those of you who don't know Ednos stands for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I started the ABC Diet on January 1st. My plan is to update everyday for the next 50 days, in this case now, 49. I'll share my intake of calories, whether it's good, bad, if I've exercised, and lost weight or not. And of course my thoughts or feelings if any apply.