Things Left Unsaid

You know, I've left a lot of things left unsaid, thought through, discussed with myself, but never spoken to the ones I wanted to hear it most. But some things have started bugging me again tonight and I may as well get them out. I wonder if the reason my parents ever even came to my elementary and junior high school shows was because they had to or because they wanted to? Because once I started high school, that was it. They never even tried to come to my shows, that is until they learned that I wanted to kill myself. I believe the conversation went like this: Mom-"Is it because you think we don't support you enough? Does it bother you that we don't come to your shows or concerts?" Me-"I don't know." Mom-"Well we'll try to make more of an effort to come to your shows." They came to two of my shows. Not a single one of my concerts. It was too late for choir, but they could've come to a band concert. My dad showed up at one of my pep band games, but that was because he had to fix one of the toilets at the game anyways and he figured he'd wait. I appreciated it. I really did. I think I still do, but I don't know. Now I'm in my freshman year of college and neither of them, nor my sister has even tried to come to one of the shows I've worked and helped with. And none of them will. The only one who has tried is Cj, he came to my first college show and he would come to this last one, but his work schedule interferes. I live with my sister and we live ten minutes from the college, but is she going to try to come? I doubt it. Tonight, officially I guess, is closing night. She has enough money to fly out to Kentucky, and more to drive out to Sheridan (an 8 hour drive) to see our cousin, and to go to a concert one of the nights of the show, but can she come to my show? I'd be shocked, completely shocked if she tried. I understand why she wants to go to Kentucky, she misses her best friend. Well you know what? I missed my best friend too and that's the reason I got so depressed. That's the reason I wanted to die. I had lost my best friend and I had lost sight of everything else that was important. When my parents found out that I was cutting I don't think they even asked me why. Maybe they tried. I don't remember anymore. When my mom found out that I was anorexic, she didn't even ask why I wanted to stop eating, why I restricted my calories to become thin. She didn't ask why at all. She didn't really say anything. I don't know exactly what made me want to stop eating, but it was sometime in 9th grade. About the time I started losing my best friend. I don't know what kept me wanting to starve myself. Maybe it was society's pressure. Maybe it was my desire to die. Maybe it was this, maybe it was that. That doesn't matter to me right now. What matters, is that the only people who saw me for who I was, wasn't the people I'd known and loved since birth. It was my new friend, the one who saved my life. It was the love of my life. And my family didn't even believe me. Maybe they're beginning to realize when I say stuff like oh a cutie orange is only 35 calories, 10 carrots is 50 calories, one saltine is 13 calories... and I say stuff like this off the top of my head. A plain white bagel is 140 calories, but if you only eat half it's 70. No one gets it. No one except maybe Cj.