Another Update

Well, it's a new year and a new start. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months now and we're expecting. I'm 15 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow and we've moved in with his sister and her son. That wouldn't have happened at all if her boyfriend hadn't committed suicide on Christmas of 2012. I'm quitting college and was planning to even before I found out I was pregnant, it will be another year before I can try to find work at the Lincoln Center where his sister, Pixie, we'll call her, is head of the lighting department. I'd gained a ridiculous amount of weight before getting pregnant and now once I've given birth and breast fed for as long as the child needs, I will start losing weight again. I don't want to get underweight, I don't think. If I start wanting to then we'll have a problem. I can't lose my kid. I can't lose my love. I don't want to die. I'm over that phase of my life. I'll have a problem stopping cutting, hell I did it just a week ago now? I'm not sure anymore. Time seems to be standing still right now. Or blurring together. I'm not really sure.

Things Left Unsaid

You know, I've left a lot of things left unsaid, thought through, discussed with myself, but never spoken to the ones I wanted to hear it most. But some things have started bugging me again tonight and I may as well get them out. I wonder if the reason my parents ever even came to my elementary and junior high school shows was because they had to or because they wanted to? Because once I started high school, that was it. They never even tried to come to my shows, that is until they learned that I wanted to kill myself. I believe the conversation went like this: Mom-"Is it because you think we don't support you enough? Does it bother you that we don't come to your shows or concerts?" Me-"I don't know." Mom-"Well we'll try to make more of an effort to come to your shows." They came to two of my shows. Not a single one of my concerts. It was too late for choir, but they could've come to a band concert. My dad showed up at one of my pep band games, but that was because he had to fix one of the toilets at the game anyways and he figured he'd wait. I appreciated it. I really did. I think I still do, but I don't know. Now I'm in my freshman year of college and neither of them, nor my sister has even tried to come to one of the shows I've worked and helped with. And none of them will. The only one who has tried is Cj, he came to my first college show and he would come to this last one, but his work schedule interferes. I live with my sister and we live ten minutes from the college, but is she going to try to come? I doubt it. Tonight, officially I guess, is closing night. She has enough money to fly out to Kentucky, and more to drive out to Sheridan (an 8 hour drive) to see our cousin, and to go to a concert one of the nights of the show, but can she come to my show? I'd be shocked, completely shocked if she tried. I understand why she wants to go to Kentucky, she misses her best friend. Well you know what? I missed my best friend too and that's the reason I got so depressed. That's the reason I wanted to die. I had lost my best friend and I had lost sight of everything else that was important. When my parents found out that I was cutting I don't think they even asked me why. Maybe they tried. I don't remember anymore. When my mom found out that I was anorexic, she didn't even ask why I wanted to stop eating, why I restricted my calories to become thin. She didn't ask why at all. She didn't really say anything. I don't know exactly what made me want to stop eating, but it was sometime in 9th grade. About the time I started losing my best friend. I don't know what kept me wanting to starve myself. Maybe it was society's pressure. Maybe it was my desire to die. Maybe it was this, maybe it was that. That doesn't matter to me right now. What matters, is that the only people who saw me for who I was, wasn't the people I'd known and loved since birth. It was my new friend, the one who saved my life. It was the love of my life. And my family didn't even believe me. Maybe they're beginning to realize when I say stuff like oh a cutie orange is only 35 calories, 10 carrots is 50 calories, one saltine is 13 calories... and I say stuff like this off the top of my head. A plain white bagel is 140 calories, but if you only eat half it's 70. No one gets it. No one except maybe Cj.

Update

Well, it's been a good long while since I've updated this. I ended up cutting a couple weeks ago, so that ticker up there, null & void. I moved. I'm in a normal healthy weight range and only freak out about it from time to time, although it seems those times are getting closer and closer in between. I have an incredibly supportive boyfriend and I live with my sister. I enjoy my classes, even if I'm not all there for them. I enjoy work even though I freeze my butt off every time I spend time in there. I have a kitten :) Her name is Jade and she is living with my parents and Bella is pissed because she hates her. Jade and Daisy are the lights of my life, except for Adrian of course :) Anyways that is all for now.

I'm still in a healthy

I'm still in a healthy weight range. But just barely. Half a round above the minimum weight.

My best friend's dad died

My best friend's dad died this weekend. He was my other daddy. I'm spiraling down into darkness. I don't know what to do

Dear L & K, I

Dear L & K, I cut today. I'm currently not sorry about it to myself I will be, but I am to you. Just thought you should kno

Well... the verdict is in

I can't do it. I can't make myself puke. I cannot physically make my body do it. At least not with fingers. I know that's a good thing. At least I can't say I didn't try. I can only say I couldn't succeed. So for anyone of you who care enough to follow this blog, you don't have to worry about me becoming bulimic.

welll...

I tried making myself puke tonight. I couldn't bring myself to do it though. At least I know that I can make myself gag. I will do it though. I know I will. I decided that I would learn this break, and I will do it.

I feel like I just...

I feel like I just... cried myself to sleep last night. Because every fiber of my being wants to be bulimic. But I don't

I feel like I just...

I feel like I just... cried myself to sleep last night.

You know you're a fucked

You know you're a fucked up person when you want to learn how to purge in order to become bulimic.

So... My car is in

So... My car is in repair so I'm not driving and so I decided that I'm going to fast for as long as I can get away with it.

Saving Grace

I've started dieting again. It's not really dieting though. It's restricting. I've pretty much failed two of the days, but it'll get better (or worse) depending on how you view it. For me, better. I know I shouldn't be doing it, I need to be strong in order to lead a company, but... I have to feel good with me. And this is how I'm going to do it. I have to have something to rely on, and controlling my weight, or attempting to, is all I can get away with anymore. I can't cut. It would have to be something absolutely dreadful in order for me to do that again. I just hope that nobody catches on. The only person I've allowed to know is my boy. And he's not happy about it, but he said he won't say anything. I think I told him that he's more than welcome to say something if it gets really bad. And if I start scaring myself I'll tell him again, it will be like... my saving grace. My saying something to remind him, it will be like a plea for help. Because I wouldn't be able to say it myself. I know that.

Well at least I haven't

Well at least I haven't gotten to the lying stage yet this year. I've been honest thus far about whether or not I've eaten.

*Happy Imbolc* :)

*Happy Imbolc* :)

Day One of Restriction Diet:

Day One of Restriction Diet: Failure. Way over 1000. I'm sure Boy would be okay hearing that. And for day one... I can be.

I'm going to start dieting

I'm going to start dieting on the 1st. My goal is to eat only between 800 & 1000 calories at most a day. More on occassion.

I think my stomach shrunk

I think my stomach shrunk a bit :) I couldn't eat as much dinner as I have been lately. Some would say it's bad.It's good

One orange and a sleeve

One orange and a sleeve of saltines. Good lunch? I'd say so.

Eating Habits

My boyfriend- gosh that's nice to say- teases me for my weird eating habits, which are from my ED. And I thought it would bother me, but I think, that ultimately,perhaps it will help me. I'm hoping that it will help me get past feeling uncomfortable eating in front of people.